“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours; if they don’t, they never were.”
That’s how the old saying goes, but what does it really mean? How do we actually do that? Who is letting go of what, and how?
The default interpretation seems to suggest that one person loves someone, while the other has some need for space—or at least doesn’t seem to have the capacity for that love. Either way, the giving and receiving of love isn’t working, and distance is prescribed as the remedy to gain clarity on the situation.
In other words, if one person is in love with another, but that love isn’t reciprocated in the way they desire, they should allow the other person to go their own way and wait to see what happens.
But is that really a good plan? For starters, what if they get hit by a bus and you never find out? Worse, you might miss their funeral—or not even know it happened at all!
Not exactly ideal.
On a more serious note, by simply walking away under these conditions, the one who loves gives away their power to the other.
That’s a deeply flawed plan.
Let’s flip it around to something more empowering.
What if “set them free” means releasing the love itself—not just the person—but choosing to live without that love by your own decision? This shifts the power back into the hands of the one letting go.
How could that work?
It might seem impossible, but if one successfully replaces the space once filled by that love with new elements—such as self-love, new passions, or meaningful connections—then when that love returns, would it even have a space to return to?
In other words, instead of allowing someone else to dictate your emotional state or life direction, what if you retained ownership of your love—and your life’s purpose—completely? Then, you could release that love (or at least its hold on you) and free up that emotional space to be filled in other ways.
This approach creates the separation mentioned in the original saying, but on your terms.
Would the other person’s love return after a period of time? Perhaps. But now, it would only matter if you choose it—because living a life dictated by someone else’s decisions is never aligned with who you are at your core.
This perspective shifts the dynamic, doesn’t it? Suddenly, it becomes less about waiting passively for someone else to choose you and more about actively choosing yourself.
So, is it possible to hold on to your love for someone while releasing the attachment to the outcome? Perhaps. Why not try it on and see if it fits before dismissing it?
Of course, this idea might challenge deeply held beliefs about power in relationships. For some, stepping into this level of personal agency can feel intimidating, even scary.
But this concept applies to everyone, not just those navigating a specific relationship. It’s a mindset you can learn to adopt if you haven’t already.
This alternate interpretation—who knows, maybe it’s how the saying was originally meant—adds a whole new layer to the phrase: “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours; if they don’t, they never were.”
You can even apply this philosophy to life itself.
In love, you’re not just releasing the object of your affection; you’re also freeing yourself, allowing love to take on new forms and honestly assessing what comes next. It’s scary territory, but often visited by those seeking growth and clarity.
How do you know you’re in love in the first place? It’s difficult—if not impossible—to convince your heart of anything when it comes to love. But you can change your behaviors. By acting in new ways, you might occupy your mind in ways that, while challenging, reveal a lot about who you are and how you truly feel. This self-discovery can transform your actions and perspective.
Remember, your body doesn’t lie—your mind does. How do you feel? What else brings you joy? Seek more of that. Go toward what nourishes you.